A Typical Day When Bills Are Due:

This happened yesterday. It is such a terrible way to spend the day that I thought it would be good to post it.

I woke the first time during Good Morning America. I could hardly keep my eyes open and fell asleep quickly. 2nd time awake during Kelly and Regis; I was asleep again in less than five minutes. 3rd time awake Dr. Phil is on and I pay attention for a few minutes and before I know it the noon news in on Channel 9 which is the one I watch every day. I miss Cullen Ferguson a lot! Then I was up. I made coffee, got my cup ready with the creamer, went to pee, then gathered my morning medications.

I took my meds with the coffee and then laid back down to wait for the pain medication to kick in. It usually takes 30 minutes. When I did kick in I was watching All My Children and working on a water color piece at the same time.

About 2:30 I realized that I had not called my daughters after seeing the new cardiologist at Sanger Clinic. I picked up my cell and placed the call. The phone had been disconnected! I was frustrated and teared up. I planned on going to the phone company about 3:30 to pay using money I had planned on paying my late mortgage with. Thankfully my son is sending me another $150 to help. It is actually he is paying back a $450 loan from four years ago.

So I get to the phone company and take my place at the couch. This is how I usually pay my bill for the last year, see a customer service rep to ask for an extension or like in this case to reconnect my house and cell phones and waive the reconnect fee. They agreed reluctantly and I found myself in tears talking and saying way too much about my health to this poor woman. It is like I cannot control my emotions any longer. I never used to like scenes.

So I leave there and head to Wal Mart to pick up my Oxycotin script and wonder how the hell and I going to pay for next months'scropt because at the end of the month Medicaid is dropping me because I make too much money. $990 a month and the limit is $738. I wonder if I could ask social security adm. to lower my payments each month to $737 so I can continues to take medications for my heart, depression and chronic pain. Hmmmm

I finish at Wal Mart and head to Bi Lo to buy some dog food and buy some cigarettes; a carton on sale and I have coupons. I buy some kitty liter with a coupon too.

Let's talk about my smoking. I quit on the day I had my heart attack. It lasted 7 weeks which were terrible. I felt horrible that I could not smoke. I felt a great sense of being deprived of something I enjoyed though I don't really. This is a hard addiction to break. My depression worsened after the HA and so did my spirits. Missing the nicotine did not help my situation. So I buckled down to my disgusting habit and bought one pack of cigarettes very late one night. Oh the relief. I only meant to smoke that one pack and quit again. Next thing I know I am buying a carton.

So this is how my day went. I was so tired from the stress of that day and running to do errands and worrying that my mortgage had not been paid that I was too tired to call my daughters. So I didn't. I went to bed at 2am. And surprisingly, I woke today at 9:30 am and have been up ever since. That is a nice change.

And then this happened today on August 24th. I got a notice in the mail that my food stamps are being reduced from $152 to $10. Add that to loosing medicaid on the same day; it is a terrible loss.

For the past few months I have cut spending to the bone. I looked for ways to cut just about everywhere and how ironic the amount I cut monthly is about the amount I lost on food stamps today. I am going to appeal it tomorrow. I can't live on less than I am making.

I have to go to Crisis Assistance Ministry to get enrolled in the Free Clinic again. The last time I was there was six days after my heart attack. I wasn't supposed to be driving but there was no one else to do it for me so I had no choice. I went to the Free Clinic and had to wait 30 minutes for it to open and then another 15 minutes while they got set up. Only to be told I have to register at Crisis Assistance. So I went there and had to wait two hours to be seen. Then back to the Free Clinic five minutes before they closed to pick up my new heart medications. A week later I was readmitted to medicaid. I was gone a total of 6 hours and I wasn't even supposed to be leaving the house that day; doctor's orders.

This afternoon I was going to pay my car insurance (it is very late and I almost forgot it); before I pulled out of the driveway I checked the mail. That is when I found out about the loss of food stamps.

All the way home I kept thinking how useless and tiring and fruitless this struggle has been for the past almost 7 years. As time goes by I get further and further in the hole as I become sicker and sicker. There is no question (right now) about giving in. I can't do that. But the big question is how long can I keep this up. I have fallen a long way since the car accident; though I have tried everything I know to stay afloat and not loose my home or vehicle.

Oh and I am about four months late on paying the property tax on my truck. I don't know where I am going to get the money to pay for that.

In October 1999, Diane and I went on five days vacation to New Orleans. We had a good time and spent money like it was no concern because it was no concern. I had a good and well paying job.

Then two months later the accident happened. I had had breakfast with a friend that New Year's Eve morning and was on my way home planning to stop at the bank to get some money out because of Y2K. Remember that? Then the accident happened.

The woman that hit me was driving an 85 Caddy. She never saw me as I was slowing down for the car in front of me to make a right hand turn. She tried to get into the left hand lane at the last second but never braked. She hit me doing 45 to 50 mph. I glanced up in the rear view mirror a second before she hit me.

I opened my eyes hearing someone yelling at me from outside "Are you okay?" I looked over and saw a woman talking into the telephone. I was trying to talk but could not catch my breath. She told me to get out of the car but the door refused to open. I had hit the car in front of me an 82 Oldsmobile.

Later while a cop was driving me home he told me that most people in accidents like that died. Many many times over the years I think about maybe that would have been better. There hasn't been many good times since that day. In fact, it has been like an advalance; starting off slowly and building up speed till it becomes something so strong and terrible nothing can stop it.

So I sit in my house each day. When my money is deposited on the 3rd of each month I pay what I can right away and that is usually the mortgage first. But the 10th of the month I am racking my brains to try to find some way to get ahold of money to pay the rest of my expenses. Each month I go begging to Duke Power, the water company and CTC phone company. Each and every month.

I have had help from Cabarrus county, Crisis Assistance Ministry and the Salvation Army. At this point I can get any more help for several months. And now I loose my food stamps. That was helping me eat healthy after the heart attack. Honestly I am dumbfounded at this point wondering what to do. I think I have hit the bottom of the charity bin. Well it does not hurt to try so I will hit Crisis Assistance tomorrow to see about help with the mortgage, the free clinic and anything else they have to offer.

Tomorrow night I am treating myself to a ball game. I can buy a few items for School Tools at the dollar store to pay for admission. I can sneak a bottle of water in my purse and some crackers maybe. I deserve this night out.

I rarely go anywhere. I have widdled down my use of gasoline too because it is so expensive. I make a tank full of gas last about five weeks. I filled up on August 3rd and there is a little less than half a tank. I have to go to Charlotte to the pain management doctor once a month to pick up the script for Oxycotin. That cannot be called or faxed into the pharmacy.

So the matter is still there, the question. How long can I keep this up? I can't imagine how people who are older and sicker than me do it.

When I get into a better financial situation I will have more time on my hands and want to volunteer at the Senior Center to help others out with stuff like this. Perhaps helping them around the house some or taking them to the grocery store or doctor's appointments etc.