If I don't make some changes and take control

This is an edit on August 27th at 10 pm. When I am finished I am going to go watch the Emmies and eat a banana.

away from persons I feel are my enemies; it is going to harm me. Anger is according to Dr. Phil rage turned inwards.

A friend told me today; that those people do not give me one single thought. That they could care less about the past, present or future of mine. That I should let go.

Okay I have to let go. I will let go when I find a lawyer who is an expert in this area, turn everything over to her/him and let them handle it. I am not going to sit around waiting. That will be their job. When it gets to court? That will be my moment to savor.

In the meantime, I am going to be very patient with myself, get the Day Timer out to get organized and accomplish things that need to be done and take time each day; quiet time to meditate and do something pleasant and soothing each day. I want to get back into the yoga and restart the Tai Chi. I love Tai Chi because my body can do these slow moves. I have a walker nearby to hold onto when there is some balancing on one leg to be done like The Tree.

I had a homemade large chicken salad today, one banana and one pineapple low fat yogurt. Maybe some salt and butter free and a diet coke with the Emmies is a good idea.

I am not eating right. Eating snack foods and yogurt. A lot of ice cream and cookies. I don't care about food all that much. The only thing I can get worked up about is getting rid of the pain for another six to eight hours. That is how I am living from pain pill to pain pill and sleeping in between times.

I am doing some artwork, a little each day. That helps a little for awhile.

I don't see people unless it is at the pharmacy, the phone company, Duke Power, the doctors. I see no one. My family comes up from Atlanta from time to time. I hurt too much, I am too tired, I am too depressed to make the effort to get out there to meet folks and socialize. Why should I bother? They don't want to see or hear how much I hurt or how much my life sucks!

I am just waiting on hope. Waiting for something to come along to get me to Atlanta to be with my family. I am living for that time. In the meantime I am doing everything I can to pay for my home, keep the utilities on, to make sure I can buy my medications, to take care of my pets and try to take care of me.

I am scared. I am scared of what is going to come first; a complete failure here and I loose everything, I get so sick that I could die waiting or that some miracle happens and I get to move to be close to my kids.

My kids help me as much as they can. But they have families and obligations of their own so I cannot ask for help but rarely. B keeps saying everything will be great, okay, we will take care of you WHEN you move here. And I keep asking myself how I am going to live till that happends. What about now? I have to make it through now to get to there.

I need to dig down deep inside and come up with some strength, some energy from within to beat this thing. I force myself to eat right. I force myself to get on a regular schedule. To force myself to exercise. To force myself to stay awake. I am not sure how much strength there is left inside after six going on seven years of struggling to maintain my life.

Some thing has got to happen quickly. The situation I am in is very unhealthy. Something has got to give. I need a break. For all my hard work all my life I need a reward not to be punished like I have been. My worst punishment has come from strangers. The decision makers at Auto Owners Insurance Company and their greedy pig of a lawyer. I still can't believe he did this to me and got paid for it.

Funny, Monica Gardened did tell my lawyer Bill that there was $50,000 set aside for my medical problems and compensation for what happened to me. And that is exactly what they paid Jeff Bolster; %50,000. My lawyer told me about that. They paid him my money to destroy me how ironic. How cruel.

See I do have reason to hate those people. But is that going to help me live? That is on me. I am stuck here.

I am so stuck here. The real estate market is terrible. It is particularly bad here because of Pillowtex going out. This little town of 20,000 people had the worst lay off in the history of NC; 5,000 out of 20,000 people got laid off less than two years ago. There are for sale signs everywhere. I called WE BUY UGLY HOUSES two weeks ago and they are so busy they have not had time to get here.

I have to sell this house at some profit so I can pay off the balance of the loan and have some money left over to get a place to live. My credit is so bad I will never be able to buy a house again. I doubt if I would be able to even rent an apartment. They consider credit highly, I am not working and while I was waiting for disability I was late on the mortgage a few times. The last time it was almost sixty days. There is no way any apartment community would approve my application.

So I have to stay here and pay the mortgage for the time being. It is less than any rent I would pay in GA. And it is already mine. I am trying to wait out the bad housing market. But the thing is that the housing market just started going bad. This could last for years. I am so screwed!

I have nothing set aside for emergencies. If the water heater breaks I cannot replace it. The a/c in the house is broken. The a/c in my truck is broken. I can't afford to fix either of them. I just pray that nothing more breaks. If the heater is broken I am terribly screwed. I have a window a/c and stay in my bedroom with the door almost shut to keep my room cool. It works. But when I have to clean or do anything else out of my bedroon; I sweat like a pig. My cardiologists warned me not to get overheated that is was very bad on my heart.

Ya know if I had done something stupid like break the law getting into this terrible predicament I could accept it better I think. I would know that I had screwed up by doing something stupid and wrong. But I did not do anything wrong to cause this. That really gets me sometimes. I was just having a long breakfast with a good friend and we were cutting up and telling jokes. Then Mrs. M plowed into me.

I am in this predicament through no fault of my own. I did nothing wrong. They did! And so far they have gotten away with it. And I am locked into this terrible situation waiting for the bottom to fall out. And it will. There is no way to continue like this indefinitely. That is impossible. Bad things keep happening.

I can't believe they cut my food stamps from $152 to 10! I can't believe that I will loose medicaid and the ability to buy the medications I need to survive in just a few days. I could just freaking scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have thought about going to Jeff Bolster's office and scream and scream and scream there. I am serious about this. And go to the office here of Auto Owners and scream out my rage. I would get locked up for sure.

Anyone reading this, do you have any idead of what I can do to help myself? Anything!