Today was a nightmare

Before I got hurt I was such a strong and independent woman who was doing okay professionally, financially and personally. I had a great job with good pay, led a very active social life with lots of friends, had a good and loving relationship with my family and my partner at the time.

Now I barely go out of the house. A tank of gas for my 2000 Nissan truck lasts six weeks. I hardly talk to anyone. I have no real friends anymore and a strained relationship with my kids. I don't want to burden them and make them worry to I don't tell them about it.

Today, I drove to my pain care doctor in Charlotte 25 miles from home. I am always scared to drive when taking my narcotic pain medication so I am very viligent and it is so tiring to be on constant alert.

When I got there all the staff except the receptionist were at lunch. I had missed them by five minutes. I have to pick up my script each month for the oxycotin 20 mg taken three times a day. The law does not allow these to be called into the pharmacy. I would have had to wait 90 min.

I sat down and tried to think about what I could do. I was told the day before that they could not write another script until I saw the doctor or the pa. This visit is $200. I don't have it. I asked them to write me a script for methadone; my doctor does this every time I loose insurance replaces the oxycotin with methadone as the methadone costs $20 vs almost $600. They said this could not be done unless I saw the doctor or the pa. I asked if a script fo vicodin could be written until I see the doctor or the pa next month. The answer was no. Vicodin, enough to get me to the next appointment on Oct.12th (I finally agreed to make an appointment though where I was to get the $200 is beyond me) would cost about $50.

I sat there and then thought about contacting the doctor directly. I got the number for the clinic where he was today and had to leave a message which was "Dr. Bullard, I once again have lost medicaid and have no other insurance. I am scheduled to see you on Oct. 12th could you please call in a script for vicodin to the pharmacy? I am heading home and am too fatigued to come back later today for the script for methadone. Thanks!" I asked him to call me back or a nurse to let me know what had been done. I never heard from them at all.

I go outside the clinic to my truck to head home and my phone rings. It is my caseworked at Adult Medicaid. I am trying to be reinstated into Medicaid.

In Jan. I applied but they lost all my paperwork and did not find it until two weeks ago. It is a confusing mess. But we have gotten to an agreement that I am to reapply providing copies of unpaid medical bills totally over $4,368 that were for the period of Jan. 1 2004 to Jan. 1, 2006. In Jan. I gave them $7,200 worth of medical bills that had not been paid.

I have almost three drawers of medical bills. These files are heavy and it is a great burden to fill out the application and pull bills out of these files and return them.

So we agreed that I could have the weekend to go and pull out all unpaid bills in the time period above and bring them all to her on Monday. Crap! That is a lot of work and I have arthritis in my hands.

I was talking to my caseworker on the phone and began crying in frustration and remember saying "Regina, my life is in terrible condition, I hurt so much I am so tired I don't know how much longer I can do this..." And I don't know.

I got into the truck and started sobbing. I stopped crying and drove home. I had to stop at the store to buy some food. I go almost everyday as it is hard carrying the groceries.

When I got home I had a quick bite to eat and then laid down at 2 pm and fell asleep and woke at 10 pm. This happens to me a lot. Some days I may sleep 18 hours. It is the depression associated with chronic pain and illnesses and injuries. It is the meds most of which cause fatigue. It is my diet which is poor; I hurt so much and most of the time too tired to cook. It is because when I am asleep I can't think about my situation.

And I do not know how much longer I can live like this. No one wants to hear what I have to say.

So here I sit on an early Sat. morning without a script, with only enough pain medication for a few more days and I am running out of options, energy and facing withdrawal symptoms not to mention the pain I will be experiencing full blown early next week.