Battling Depression:

I began experiencing nerve pain within a few minutes from impact. I was rubbing my knee absentmindedly and the police officer asked me if I was okay and it was then that I realized I was hurt. It took over three years for doctors to figure out what was wrong with me after having needless surgery to my knee, nine months of un-needed physical therapy and four months of acupuncture to get the diagnosis of permanent nerve damage in both legs; left knee the nerve lying under the patella was completely wiped out. The other leg the nerve damage came from the nerve root in the lumbar area.

I loved going to PT except during the end I could only lie there and not do any exercises because the pain was so bad and the left knee would swell.

That is why they implanted the spinal cord stimulator. It blocks the severe and constant burning pain I experience on,over and under that knee.

I want to talk about what it is like having major depressive disorder. But first I must say that I have to give myself a pat on the back for accomplishing so much while in this depression. It is surprising really. I got the gumption and the guts from my tiny Irish/English mother.

I had a few episodes of depression over the years and it was called situational depression but for the most part I have been healthy with a good attitude and a survivor.

But this is something else. It came on after the car accident. The first time it hit me that I was depressed seriously was in Dr. Ohl's office several months after he did surgery on my knee in April 2000. I had been told by him that I would improve but it may take ten or so years. I had been hearing things like this since my first visit to him in Jan. 2000. When he said this I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that just hit me in the gut right there in his office. I turned to him and said, "Dr Ohl I feel so incredibly sad and depressed since the car accident and it is building up to a boil. Could you give me an anti-depressant?" He looked at me like I had three heads and while turning to leave the exam room he muttered "We don't write scripts for those kind of medications.

Well my gynocologist did a few weeks later and what a difference in the way I felt. I felt clarity a few days later. I began loosing weight. The nerve pain lessened slightly and I began to feel happy once again. I have basically been a happy person with a positive attitude all my life; trying to look for the good in all situations and people and it has helped me survive and overcome obstacles.

But this depression is something else. It is so deep. It does cause physical pain. It makes existing pain worse. The commercial for Cymbalta showing the woman laying on the couch looking so sad and ill hit it right on the head. That is what I feel like when I am depressed.

The depression and pain has gone on for so long now I think my body is loosing it's ability to know where to send the chemicals. I am taking wellbutrin and cymbalta and the depression is breaking through daily. I sleep a lot. I think about death a lot. I think about my death. I often stand there looking at my almost full bottles of valium and oxycotin thinking how much better it would be if I took them all. I want the emotional and physical pain to end.

But obviously, I am not that ill because I have not done it. I have not told my therapist about it either or my shrink. I know they would commit me. They almost did that last summer when I applied for disability I was in the midst of a terrible bout of depression. I told them I wanted to be dead. I told them it would have been better if I had died in the accident. Then my kids could have sued for damages and gotten a large settlement. That lawyer can't blackmail a dead person or threaten to expose her and her two witnesses of being gay in court either. It would have been cut and dried and the kids would have won the case.

Each day I feel some measure of the depression. I don't want to get out of bed on most days. I don't shower every day and I used to be so fastidious about my appearance and personal hygiene. I only wash my hair once a week because washing it, combing it out hurts my hands so badly. I rarely shave my legs or under my arms anymore. Who is going to see it? I don't even bother doing it when I am going to the doctor. I do clean up well though. Most days I don't even get dressed. Just wear the pjs I slept in. Most days I don't even go outside. I let the garbage build up for a few days and take it out to the container if I am going somewhere. I admit sometimes I don't even feel like brushing my teeth.

I used to change my sheets every single Sunday night. I don't know why I picked that night. But I used to love the feel of getting into a freshly made bed with clean sheets. That is not an issue anymore. I change them erratcially. I don't even look around my house much. I don't want to see the mess.

I manage each day to feed me and the pets. Clean out the litter box. Bag up the trash and take a bath almost each night. That is about the extent of housework each day. Every few days I load and unload the dishwasher. I only wash clothes once every two weeks. I have a lot of clothes from when I made good money so there is no need to do laundry often.

I know this all sounds disgusting. But when you feel like I feel or hurt like I hurt it doesn't feel so terrible. Getting through the day successfully is more important.